I'm Not Okay (But That is Right For Right Now)

My Dad died.

It wasn't unexpected. I got to be by his bedside, tell him I love him and hold his hand. I also got to care for him in the months prior. In person and virtually. We were able to make arrangements and speak pretty openly.

But it is still shit.

I think I am back here blogging in this long-held space because, ultimately, I am lonely. I knew I would be. In the months leading up to it I had anticipatory grief knowing that my pal was going to die and I would be left without a comrade and ally. But this loneliness is not just emotional, but a physical pain too. Sitting on my chest. No one to share that pro independent Scotland meme with. No one to tell how amazing the dystopian novel The Memory Police by Yoko Ogawa I just read is. No one to absolutely smash me mercilessly at backgammon. No one to share all that lo-fi electronica with. No one who will be as invested or respond in the same way.

So I guess I might end up here, sharing sad and longing posts about music that is both sustaining and painful. Maybe in the hope that it might resonate.

Pueblo Vista · oilix - Smr.luv

Carey Lander RIP

Over the years I posted several blogs related to Camera Obscura. Oddly enough, this post was directly linked to both the band and grief: http://popcultureddd.blogspot.co.uk/2007/11/camera-obscura.html

Nearly 8 years on I could have never have thought was the post would be so resonant (regardless of my grieving misanthropy). I posted that song in my time of loss, and it seems now the perfect tribute to share this particular track again.

The loss of Carey Lander will be felt by all fans of the band.

Camera Obscura

A great chasm in my chest. A hole. It has always been a joke I have a heart of stone and that my blood runs black, not scarlet red. I've never had the best opinion on humanity. Great heaving, categories, swarms of people. The faceless mass. But I very definately build great friendships and relationships with individuals regardless of anything to do with them and their value systems. Some people find this weird, others find it weird and wonderful. And once I found someone who understood this, innately, never discussed, just known.

Camera Obscura have written the sounds, not lyrics, that parallel some of my feelings of regret, guilt, loss and mania in a tiny part. Lots of wide ranging music does this to me.

God knows why.

This is divine.

Camera Obscura - Razzle Dazzle Rose [via YouSendIt for 7 days]

A ghostly white pale, dark flowing haired girl, spinning delicately watching the hem of her floral-print dress pucker and lift.