I'm Not Okay (But That is Right For Right Now)

My Dad died.

It wasn't unexpected. I got to be by his bedside, tell him I love him and hold his hand. I also got to care for him in the months prior. In person and virtually. We were able to make arrangements and speak pretty openly.

But it is still shit.

I think I am back here blogging in this long-held space because, ultimately, I am lonely. I knew I would be. In the months leading up to it I had anticipatory grief knowing that my pal was going to die and I would be left without a comrade and ally. But this loneliness is not just emotional, but a physical pain too. Sitting on my chest. No one to share that pro independent Scotland meme with. No one to tell how amazing the dystopian novel The Memory Police by Yoko Ogawa I just read is. No one to absolutely smash me mercilessly at backgammon. No one to share all that lo-fi electronica with. No one who will be as invested or respond in the same way.

So I guess I might end up here, sharing sad and longing posts about music that is both sustaining and painful. Maybe in the hope that it might resonate.

Pueblo Vista · oilix - Smr.luv